


and we all know how this will end

by denisiya



Series: Thomassss xmas [1]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Thomas Barrow Xmas 2020, it's okay!, people always follow each other to the cortyard, xmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:42:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27883189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denisiya/pseuds/denisiya
Summary: The first Christmas after the war isn't easy for Daisy. Someone tries to help.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow & Daisy Mason
Series: Thomassss xmas [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041605
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30
Collections: A Very Thomas Barrow Christmas 2020





	and we all know how this will end

**Author's Note:**

> 25\. Christmas Spirit - “Let’s all go around the table and say one thing we’re thankful for...character A, you start.”
> 
> I want to thank our friendly and funny discord admins: irrationalgame and toastandjammies !!! Love you and this challenge :*  
> All mistakes are mine. Hashtag 'non-native speaker'.

It was the first Christmas after the war. Daisy knew that it wasn’t that different from previous ones to her as it might be to other people. To men, especially: they won’t return on the field, no need to worry anymore. No need to feel guilty for celebration while people are trying to survive and fight for their country somewhere. However, she couldn’t let herself act as if nothing had happened.

Mrs Patmore tried to cheer her up all day, but Daisy wasn’t silly little girl as she used to be. Everyone knew the reason, of course. William had to be there, too, but life played cruel on them. How could people sit there, all relaxed and full of joy after everything?

She takes a seat next to Mrs Patmore, but not too close because the woman can think that Daisy wants to be close and needs protection and care, but she doesn’t need any of it. She decides not to eat anything and not to smile. Maybe others will understand the tragedy that way?

This plan doesn’t seem to work as everyone laughs and drinks alcohol (they don’t even ask if she would like a glass. Is she still a child to them?) all the time. The only moment they showed respect to the war was when they all had a minute of silence upstairs at the beginning of the evening.

Mrs Patmore kept trying to “wake” Daisy up, she was telling her how nice the food was, how she could win some games that others were playing. And the woman still doesn’t seem to give up:

“Let’s all go around the table and say one thing we’re thankful for...Daisy, why don’t you start?”  _ oh, great. _

“What a wonderful idea!” Mrs Hughes exclaims. “Daisy, dear, we’d like to hear it.”

Daisy looks up and understands that everyone is staring at her: Mrs Hughes nods to encourage her, Anna is smiling, Thomas… just looks, impossible to see through him, Mr Carson raises one brow.

“Daisy?” he says.

“I have nothing to be thankful for,” she hisses, “neither do all of you.”

She looks at her laps and strangely doesn’t feel proud. But she did the right thing, didn’t she?

“Well, I disagree.”

It was so quiet that she didn’t immediately understand who said it. Everyone looked at Thomas now, while he was playing with his cigarette, tapping fingers on the table, not noticing all the attention.

“Why don’t you share with us, Thomas?” Mrs Patmore says. She doesn’t sound interested in it, polite maybe, but she never liked him anyway. Thomas is definitely surprised.

“I, um,” he coughs, “well.” Daisy thinks that he’ll say something funny again, make a joke out of it and ruin the mood even more. “I guess, I’m grateful that we all are here today.”

Oh.

“Not  _ all  _ of us are here, but it doesn’t make it less important. We made it here together, and,” a deep breath in, “that’s how we meet Christmas. How it should be.”

And when Daisy finds the courage to look at him, she realises that he was staring at her all this time, all his little speech. So he wanted to make fun of her then. To show everyone how smart he is and how stupid she is.

She doesn't find anything to say, so she stands up and leaves them at it. 

Daisy doesn't remember how she opened the door and made a decision to stay outside for a while, but after a few minutes, she thinks that it was a bad idea.

The courtyard is all covered with snow, even the freshly-walked little path from the gate to the entrance is barely visible. Benches, tables, stools - everything is under a thick layer of snow and ice, probably. It's dark, freezing and… no, not scary, she's not afraid of darkness anymore.

What she  _ is  _ afraid of are scary unexpected surprises, so she almost jumps when she feels something around her shoulders. It happens to be Thomas who, apparently, followed her outside and grabbed her or, well, somebody's coat. She's not ungrateful but she didn't want any company here. His purpose is clear:

"You ran away after what I’ve said in front of everyone and I need to return you there. " He lits a cigarette. 

"No, leave me alone," she tries, "go and celebrate death."

"Daisy, why are you saying that? "

"You won’t understand it."

"And what is it that I need to understand?"

She pulls the edges of the coat to cover herself fully. Thomas, on contrary, stands upright with relaxed shoulders and doesn’t look at her.

“You haven’t lost anyone in this war. And I’ve-” Her voice sounds incredibly weak, eyes full of tears. “I’ve lost William.” Good thing she always has a handkerchief in her pocket.

“It doesn’t mean that you can’t have a bit of happiness today, Daisy.” She swears she will beat him one day for the permanent lack of emotions in his tone.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand.” As a few silent minutes pass, she decides to explain. “I don’t understand how everyone can just have fun when we went through such grief! I can’t stop thinking about William, about how he was supposed to be here to-”

“So you suggest lowering our heads, starving and turning off all the lights?”

“I-”  _ he doesn’t understand!  _ “I don’t know.”

She feels like crying now, but it’s too cold here to have any wetness on her face. It takes all her effort to keep tears back. And now it’s guilt. Guilt because she ruined the mood, guilt because Thomas feels responsible for her now, guilt because she reminded about everything and probably caused pain-

“I’ve lost someone, too,” Thomas says and exhales the smoke. Daisy feels goosebumps and she’s not sure if it’s from the cold.

“Oh.” It’s all she manages.

“Yeah.”

“Who was it?”

“Just a person I cared for,” he replies and his lips visibly tremble a little.  _ God. _

“And you, ah. You loved this person?”

“Oh, well,”  _ he looks so uncomfortable,  _ “I don’t know about that but this person meant something to me.”

“How did you lost them?”

“It doesn’t matter, I think. Loss is a loss.”

“And you miss them?”

It’s the first time she caught his eyes during this conversation. He drew them away instantly, but it wasn’t hard to notice how serious and genuine he was. 

“I do, sometimes. And that’s why we need to have a nice evening.” 

“How is it connected?”

He comes closer and puts his palm on her shoulder. It’s unexpected, she’s never seen him touching anyone. Not at Downton, at least. 

“William would want you to be happy. Isn’t that what he said?” he whispers.

“But he’s de-”

“He is gone. But he is not here because he wanted you and me to be here.”

Egh.

“Well, it’s more like he wanted  _ you _ to be here,” he corrects himself.

Right.

“And that’s why you have to go inside and have the best Christmas you’ve ever had, Daisy. To remember him with a smile and to show everyone what William fought for.”

It’s- Is it really that way? 

Thomas’ words echos in her head as she thinks of every day since August 1914. She wasn’t used to such things as war and she knew a little about the whole system and how it worked, but, for some reason, she couldn’t imagine that her co-workers would have to fight there or that she’d see injured people herself. Every announcement was frightening and… It’s so different now. No uniform, no extra-food for the officers. She hears the laugh of hall-boys and maids again, Mr Carson is also more relaxed. They are safe again.

He is right. Thomas is right. 

Daisy lets out a soft relieved sigh. She decides to pat his hand, that is still on her shoulder, but he stands back when she touches him. Not offensive, but it’s, probably, too much for him.

“Alright, then,” he smiles - _ he smiles?-, _ “shall we go inside?”

“Yeah, maybe.” 

Fortunately, people are busy talking with each other, giggling, sharing food and gifts. They seem to forget about what just happened and that’s what Daisy is thankful for. She thanks Mrs Hughes when she pours her hot cocoa, she thanks Mrs Patmore when she gives her the prettiest part of the cake, she thanks Anna when she hugs her and says nice things.

“I’d like to share what I’m grateful for,” she declares standing up.

“Are you sure, Daisy?” Mrs Patmore says quietly and tugs her skirt.

“I am. I want to thank all of you for making it easier for me to go through everything. I hope that I help you the same way sometimes. I am glad that we all are okay and I think that we need to make the most of it. Merry Christmas!”

The little moment of silence is followed by the wave of applause with warm words and wishes.

***

Thomas is sitting next to the fireplace and smokes, while everyone is going around talking, drinking or dancing.

It was… a strange evening. He was forced by Mrs Hughes to follow Daisy and convince her to come back, and no one seemed to protest. Few nice words couldn’t have such an effect on them, could they? They normally would think that Thomas is capable of making Daisy cry, not otherwise. He thought that way himself.

But he was glad that they had a hope in him this one time. He didn’t need it, but he felt that he really had to improve the situation.

So he grabbed his coat and went outside, without even preparing a proper speech. Turned out, that he didn’t need one (even though, Daisy  _ is  _ a type of person who might be impressed by a good speech) as he decided to use a politics of being genuine. He was afraid to say too much because it could’ve made it worse for both of them. It’s never easy to talk about the war.

And he managed it. He somehow convinced Daisy that there’s no use in being grumpy and sad. Of course, she would’ve understood it herself one day, but the task had to be completed right then and there.

And there she is, standing in a crowd, laughing and talking about silly things. He actually helped someone. Wonders never cease.

“May I sit here?” His thoughts are interrupted by the exact person he was thinking of.

“Definitely,” he says as he stands and brings another chair to the fireplace.

“Thanks.” She sits with a cup in her hand. “May I ask something?”

“Seems that you want a lot,” he snorts.  _ Oh, shite, she looks offended. _ “Ah, yeah, go on.” He always forgets that he should speak simpler to her.

“Okay. Who was the person you cared about?” 

Well, why not.

“Lt Courtenay.”

“What?” She rounds her eyes and her hand with a cup stops in the air. “I thought it was your sweetheart.”

“Oh,” he panics. “Just a friend. Why?”

“Ah, okay. I don’t know why I thought it was your sweetheart,” thankfully, she continues to drink her cocoa calmly, “Anyway. Tell me about him.”

“Why?”

“I’ve never heard of your friends and you know everything about me. Just like everyone here. And that’s not fair.”

He wants to, to be honest. He’s never told anyone except Miss O’Brien (she rolled her eyes and only pretend to listen, so he decided not to tell her how it ended) and Lady Sybil (but she knew it herself). 

“Okay. But!” He makes sure to have her attention. “Promise me you won’t retell it to anyone.”

“Why? What’s wrong about it?”

“Nothing. But don’t you want to know something that others don’t know?”

“Oh, I see,” she smiles broadly and her eyes shine. “I promise.”

So he tells her everything that Edward’d told him. About hunting, fishing, Oxford even. He carefully avoids the part about his brother and just shares a few funny stories that happened to him, Edward and Lady Sybil. She laughs and grins all the time.

“Let’s dance?” she says after a few minutes. 

He loves dancing. He likes to move in the beat, to feel the grace and melody. He had good and bad dances, but they all were worse than they could’ve been if he were to choose the partner. 

But it’s different now. The beginning of the evening was so dull and boring to him: he only had his cold tea and Miss O’Brien who kept going on about Bateses. Who would’ve thought that he’ll end up sharing his happy memories with Daisy, feeling good for her, as well? He accepted the dance. He’d helped someone and they cheered him up. He felt warm and content. He felt that this Christmas was finally right. 

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from "Death With Dignity" by Sufjan Stevens


End file.
